Enough
by petrarchan1008
Summary: Harry struggles to readjust to life after defeating Voldemort and has difficulty trying to redefine his life as his friends move on. Is being the BoyWhoLived enough to stay relevant in Hermione's life?
1. Chapter 1

**ENOUGH**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Summary: Harry struggles to readjust to his life after defeating Voldemort. As he starts to question who he is now that he is no longer defined by the Dark Lord, can he come to terms with the fact that all of his friends have moved on and is being the Boy-who-Lived enough to be part of their lives now.

CHAPTER ONE

Harry POV

"I take back what was mine Voldemort. AVADA KEVADRA!"

What exactly was I thinking then, I'm not really sure anymore but the irony was not lost on me. Those two words uttered by someone else essentially meant that my life was written out for me and I had no choice in it. Those two words were my prison for 17 years. And as I stand in Godric's Hollow over the now lifeless form of Voldemort, it would be those two words which would be my freedom. I scanned the charred remains of our battle field and as I saw my fallen friends and comrades, I knew that it was finished.

Ron and Fred having realized that George was lost in battle walked around without seeing. Molly, exhausted and grieving was being consoled by Ginny. As I watch her from afar, the wind picks up her hair away from her tear-stained face. My breath catches in my throat as I try to stop myself from shouting out how I feel about her. I was glad that we ended things when we did. The pain was a small price to pay as I can bear that more than the thought of losing her forever or seeing her hurt. Sensing my gaze, Ginny looks over to me and she smiles sadly before turning her attention back to her mother. I take silent stock of where everybody was. So few stood with me and fewer still after. I don't think I could bear it, if I lost anybody else. Tonks was helping a limping Lupin. Bill, Fleur, Mad-eye, Professor McGonagall, Neville, Dean...finding all of them in various states of injury and fatigue. I search frantically around and start breaking into a run. There was someone missing.

Seeing Ron across the ground, panic creeping into my voice, I run over to where he is to shake him out of his daze, "Ron! RON! Have you seen Hermione?"

"No. Last I saw her, she was standing right beside you. After that everything was a blur."

I curse under my breath. An icy chill went through me. Where could she be? The sun peeked out of the cloud and I run back to the hill where Voldemort and I were locked in battle. As I reach the spot where moments ago he has fallen, I find snow where his body should've been. I hear Ron calling out Hermione's name and soon my voice joined his. My head whipped around in frustration, my search coming up empty and I clench my hand in anger. Hermione is our anchor. Ron's and mine. I don't think Ron would be able stand another loss. Neither would I. We started turning over bodies. Closing our eyes before we do so, each time pleading, "Please let it not be her." like a mantra over and over again. It was getting dark and most of the critically wounded have been transported to St. Mungo's. The last trip, I have managed to make Ron go. If I find her, it would be best that I find her on my own.

My hope has about given out when I saw her, looking lost sitting by herself at my parent's grave.

"HERMIONE! Where the hell have you been?" My relief taking the form of anger, "You could've at least bloody told us where you've gone off to or that you were alive. Ron had to practically be dragged off to St. Mungo's because he wants to find you..." My tirade tapers off, as she continues to sit there with her back to me by which time, I have reached her and turned her gently around, "Hermione?"

Her voice is small like a child's. At first it didn't seem to sound like it was her at all. "Harry, I couldn't save them. I got there too late. I..." burying her face into her hands. I try to plead ignorance but knowing just the same what she means.

"Who can't you save?"

"Mum and Dad. I gave them a galleon like we used in the DA meetings. The galleon would burn and so I'd know when they'd need me to be there. And it did, while we were up on the hill. When I was sure that you have gotten Voldemort, I apparated back to their house and found McNair, Dolohov, Crabbe and Goyle there. But they were too many, I couldn't fight all of them. I was spared and I wanted it so much to end... please make the screaming stop... please."

Unable to finish, I take her by the hand and noticed that she was still clutching the galleon. I force her hand to open and saw the words "Help us" burned into her skin. I curse under my breath as I glance at her tear-streaked face.

"Hermione..." I kneel down beside her and gingerly trace the words across her palm not knowing what to say. "We'll find them and get the justice your parents deserve. I...this is all my ...I wish I could say something to take away the pain. I..."

Deaf to my fumbled starts and attempts at comfort, Hermione starts shaking her head, "With everything I could do and know, I couldn't even do anything as simple as that. There must be something..." As she starts fumbling for a familiar chain around her neck, I knew what she was getting at. She stands abruptly with a manic look in her eyes.

I look up at my best friend and touch her arm, "Hermione you can't! You said it yourself. We can't meddle with time."

As if seeing me for the first time, her feverish eyes focus on me with incredulity, then anger. She casts the galleon aside and swipe her tears, "It's easy for you to say! If you knew about the Time Turner then as you know about it now, would you just stand idly by and let Voldemort kill your parents?! Don't lie to me Harry. You would go back and save them won't you? You have no idea what it's like. They believed I could protect them but I couldn't..." Eyes blinded by tears, her hands stretched out before her groping at some unnamed salvation. I stand up and pull her to me until her sobs die down.

"Hermione, I think more than anybody else, I would know how you feel. Dumbledore told me quite often something which I have time and time again scoffed at. He said that I was never alone and now I tell you the same thing. I wish I have enough words more than those post traumatic speeches said in after school specials but I don't. The only thing I can say is that I promise that you Hermione Granger may have stood alone then. Know this that you will never be that again. " I softly say. I take her hand and place it over my heart.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

It's been seven hours, 3 days and eleven years since. Hermione has opted to forge a more muggle life, establishing a medical practice in Surrey where Ron and I have doggedly followed her. We share a flat where Ron shuttles to and fro to attend Quidditch practices. After the war, Ron has moved on by dating Luna. We encouraged him to do so. There should be some good that comes out of all that tragedy. But despite leading separate lives, we can't seem to go our separate ways. Although I do have a feeling that it won't be long before Ron asks Luna to marry him. It's been a long time coming and sometimes I think it's because of Hermione that he hasn't asked yet.

I, on the other hand, have been working up the courage to date Ginny again if she'll have me but for some reason, I feel that we can't be together. Most days, I get a feeling that it is a self-inflicted penance for putting Herrmione through all that grief. She has remained to be the Hermione that she was back when we knew her in Hogwarts and yet, strange as it may seem, at the same time she has never been the same since. But only if you look really closely would anyone know the difference like looking at micro fractures on porcelein which is almost imperceptible to the naked eye.

One time, while Ron was out with Luna, Hermione and I were having breakfast and she was staring intently at me. Times like these, when Ron is not around, I feel like running away but just as soon as these thoughts come unbidden I shake them off.

"Harry, you do know that I'm not asking you to stay."

I put my sandwich down and count it as the nth time we've had this conversation. "Well, it isn't your choice to make Hermione." I bring the dishes to the kitchen as I say this wearily.

"I know that you and Ron have dreams and plans. My parents lost their lives in the stupid war Harry, no need for more martyrs to lay down theirs. Don't make me your cause."

I take a mere second before I turn around to face her and tell her that it wasn't at all like that but she was gone.

Resolving to make up for what happened that morning. I invited Ginny to have dinner with us -- Ginny and Luna being the only other magical persons aside from Ron and myself who Hermione keeps in touch with. While we were watching some muggle show called "Smallville", Ron apparated into the flat and jubilantly announced that he has proposed to Luna and that she has gladly accepted. Ginny and I shared a look. With this, I am the only one Hermione has and I can't let her down again. It was Ginny who was the first to speak.

"Ron, that's great news really." She gets up to kiss her brother on the cheek and moves to the veranda as I follow her with my gaze.

Hermione noticing this, moves next to me and whispers, "Go to her Harry." and for some reason, I was compelled to do so. Ron sits in the vacated spot beside Hermione regaling her with a recap of how his proposal went.

I put a shawl around Ginny as I notice her shivering in the cold night air. She turns and smiles sadly at me, "Thanks Harry!"

"Ginny," I faltered, "You know that if I could, I'd ask you to spend the rest of your life with me."

"I know."

"It's just that..."

Ginny finishes for me "Hermione. She needs you. I don't understand and yet because I love you somehow I do. But Harry you can't believe that your life is not your own. That you have no right what you do with tomorrow." In the background, the phone, which Hermione insists on having, rings. Ron turns up the volume on the television but despite that I hear the water dripping from the sink, a car backfiring in the distance. Everything seems to be louder than what it was. I can't believe it would end this way. After all, don't most things start with the words "I love you"?

I try and start again. "It would be unfair to make you wait Ginny. I'm not going to pretend that it won't bother me or that it won't be painful as I know that you are bound to meet someone but..."

"I couldn't. Harry stop!"

Just then Hermione bursts in and says, "Can both of you please come inside. I have something important to say."

Hermione shoves Ron's propped feet away as we follow her into the living room. "That was the African AIDS foundation. They have a mission to Kenya. I've applied for it two months after my parents… well you know but I missed the window of application. Well, as it turns out one of the volunteers was sent home so they offered me her spot," she pauses a bit to catch her breath and with a smile on her face continued, "I was thinking that I have to do a lot of things here in such a short time but... anyway, I've accepted it which means I'll be there for 5 years. Don't you think it's absolutely spectacular?!"

"What?!" Ron's voice and I merge. Each an unspoken rebuttal to what Hermione has to say.

"You're not going and that's final!" Ron bringing down his fist on the table for emphasis, which eerily reminded me of their mother.

"Oh ho! My parents died but I'm not hiring to fill their place Ronald. This is my prerogative and I say I am. I'm sorry but it can't be helped. I leave in two weeks."

"My wedding is in 5 months. Can't you wait until after?"

"No. If I miss the start of this program they give the slot to someone else."

"Then you can tell them to give the ruddy spot to someone else because you're not going." Ron says petulantly.

Hermione looks to me asking for help but I cross my arms and look away. I'll be damned before I take her side on this. Seeing that she won't get a word out of me to further her cause, she moves next to Ron and tries a different tactic. Touching his arm and laying her head on his shoulder, Hermione speaks softly, "Ron, you know I've always been interested in it and it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance to help out. To make a difference."

"Haven't you done enough of that already? Why go to bloody Kenya?"

Unable to keep quiet, I say dangerously low, "Is it because you think that you're holding us back?" All this time Ginny is silently watching us.

Her head shoots up and steely brown eyes meet mine, "No. Contrary to popular belief, Harry not everything is about the both of you. This is about me. I'm sorry but you just have to deal with it because I've made up my mind. So if you'll excuse me, I have a few things to wrap up." With that the conversation was over and Hermione made her way up her room.

A few minutes later, we were found in the same position. The situation ridiculously absurd as there is nothing in England that could hold Hermione down once she has set her mind to it.

Ron lets out an air of frustration, breaking the silence first, "Mate, you're not just going to let her fly off to some other ruddy continent altogether, are you?!"

"If you haven't heard what she said Ron, the short of it is she has basically told us that she's going to do it and we can both just sod off." I know it was wrong to vent my frustration on Ron but the guy can be thick sometimes. The air of defeat hanging heavily over the both of us. It's as set as if Hermione has apparated to Kenya already. Something cataclysmic is needed in order to change it so we knew that this debate was over before it began. Left with no other option, we glared at each other moodily.

Ginny cleared her throat to remind us that she was still there, "I think I better get going."

I make a move to get my coat. "Let me apparate wih you Gin."

"That's okay Harry. I promised to pop in on Dean at St. Mungo's this evening. You stay here." As if daring me to agree and say that I'd rather be with her just now. But I couldn't, it was so much easier for me to oblige.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Over the next week, we've tried every possible argument to get Hermione to stay. Luna even pitched in to help by making up a huge figh_t_ with Ron over her supposed "pregnancy" which only succeeded in getting us the silent treatment thereafter.

I was washing the morning dishes having sent Ron and Luna off to an early start on their weekend at the Burrow when Hermione walks in. If I can't get her to stay, I could at least get her to speak to us again.

"Hey sleepyhead. I don't think the mission would appreciate it if they knew you kept such Paris Hilton hours."

"Amusing! Everybody's a comedian all of a sudden. If you must know, I spent the better part of last night in orientation, elbow-deep in bandages. Like I bloody need it, those prats. You'd think the way they were carrying on that they didn't teach us that in medical school." Rolling her eyes as she surreptiously swipes a piece of toast from my half-finished breakfast which I caught from the corner of my eye.

"Hey go make your own."

"Harry! Have you no compassion for your famished fellow man. Or woman as the case may be. Besides, when I go who's going to appreciate the culinary swill you'e managed to concoct"

"Well I don't see Ron complain." I snatch the toast away from her just as she was going to take a bite and place a plate of omelette and baguette before she has time to start a tirade.

"Why do you think he's in a rush to marry Luna?" raising an eyebrow at me.

"Well perhaps it could be because she isn't named lovegood for no apparent reason."

"What a pervy thing to say! You are such a man. Get your mind out of the gutter." She has started chucking pieces of baguette at me as we start laughing. As our laughter die down, Hermione cups her chin with her hand and sighs, "Oh Harry! How am I going to live without you and Ron."

"It's simple, then isn't it. Stay." I take her hand in mine.

"Harry," a warning in her voice. "Stop being a wanker. Don't ruin the moment."

"You ask me how you'll live without us. I ask myself the same thing. All my life, I was defined by my past and Voldemort. Now that he's gone. I feel empty somehow. I'm no longer relevant. Everything's different and I feel strange in it. Who am I supposed to be now? But when you and Ron are around, I somehow find the answers. Ron will be defining a life of his own and now so will you. It just seems that I don't belong anywhere." Tears are in her eyes as I say this. I hate it that I nearly made her cry and the last thing I want is to make her stay out of some misguided attempt to appease my self-imposed withdrawal from life. I look down too late as she tries to wipe her eyes..

"Harry that's not true. Isn't it too soon for you to fall into such an existentialist claptrap?" Reaching across the table to touch my face, she coaxes me. "Look at me Harry. May be you've just put your life on hold for a while but now that you've fought and won to keep it for you and the people you care about, isn't it about time you started living as you've always wanted. Not as the Boy-who-Lived but as a man who dares to find other definitions to who you are. Possibly a husband or a father to an equally pathetic creature as yourself who happens to like retired heroes." She smiled at me.

"Well, I could be hopelessly dim-witted at times. Who'd save Ron and me then especially when it comes to girls?

"Honestly Harry. All you have to do is ask. It's not as if a certain flame-haired vixen has stopped fancying you. You and Ginny practically have elevated long lingering looks and sighs into an Olympic sport it's annoying Ron and me come to think of it."

"Well, not like how you annoyed us with your trifles and squabbles while you guys were still a couple. I nearly used sectusempura on myself."

Hermione smirked at my comment, "Were we really that annoying?" I raise my eyebrow in incredulity, daring her to disagree. Becoming more contemplative, she continued, "Well, okay we were. I guess I was scared and lonely so I jumped on the first thing that made me feel anything aside from hate and despair. Clearly, this is not the case between you and Ginny. If I didn't force the issue with Ron we could've spared each other the trauma but at that time, I just wanted to feel like I belong with someone."

As she said those words, it was as if I saw Hermione for the first time. How she is strong and fearless and yet at the same time so vulnerable. I reach out and cover her hand with mine, "Oh and all this time I thought it was all about the shagging." Hermione glares at me and I move beside her. "Seriously 'Mione. I'm a tad bit surprised that you feel like you're drifting. You belong with us. Just promise me one thing. Don't jump on the first proposal from some young arrogant doctor before Ron and I give him the stamp of approval."

"Hah! Like you would actually approve of anyone. Look what happened to Viktor."

"Hermione you're far too good for him."

"See what I mean?! At the rate you're going, I'd end up a catankerous spinster with a million cats."

"So much the better."

Hermione aims a playful punch at my shoulder but I block her and pull her towards me. I ruffle her hair which irritates her and kiss the top of her head. Her head settled snugly at the crook of my neck.

"Will you write to me every day Harry?"

"Without a doubt Hermione. I didn't think it would be this hard to let you go. Strange but I miss you already."

"Oh Harry, stop being so melodramatic. I'm going to Kenya not to some bloody battle in the underworld." Rolling her eyes at me.

And just like that, I knew that as much as I would want to keep her close at hand, I've been routed. Hermione always have had a mind of her own and that's what's so great about her in the first place. Except during those times when I really don't care for it much. Like now. My best friend is leaving. My other best friend is getting married. And where am I? Or what am I? I'm a figure in the past, that's what.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

That last week, we hardly saw Ron. We were too busy packing, saying goodbye to her muggle friends. Ron was still being a prat about the entire thing and in more than one occasion have told me to "piss off" for letting her go easily. Not like he has tried to stop her. But a couple of days before Hermione left, they had quite a breakthrough while we were upending her room sorting what to pack and what to keep in England at the place her parents left her.

I was helping Hermione move some of her stuff in moving boxes when Ron knocked at her door. Now, Hermione her hair caught up in a messy bun and looking quite annoyed at the distraction strode off to the door and opened it with her hands on her waist. "Come to tell me I'm grounded Ronald?"

Ron was looking at his feet and immediately thrust an ethnic oriented blanket at Hermione, "Here. Take it! Before I change my mind and use it to tie you so that you'd miss your flight."

"Wouldn't work anyhow because I could apparate there." Hermione takes the blanket and then just when I thought she'd be slamming the door on Ron, she launches herself onto him. "Oh Ron! It's so good to be talking to you again. You don't know how much the conversations have turned too serious. See?! You know how much you've been missed when I find things too serious even for me."

I stopped in the middle of folding some of Hermione's clothing, "Hey! I heard that. I'm actually in the room, you know."

Hermione detaches herself from Ron who has just stood there not saying a word and turns around to me, laughter in her voice "Harry, you know I love you right? But not being right with any of you feels like going on vacation and knowing that you've forgotten to pack a toothbrush or knickers."

Sometimes, I don't just understand what Hermione wants to say and I guess it showed on my face because the next thing I know she was there beside me and giving me a bone-crushing hug as well. I give her a one-handed hug and it struck me that this may very well be the last time in a long time that I'd be able to do that. Yeah, she will come back but then 5 years would have passed and that length of time can do so much. It would hurt too much to know that she'll be different. I'll be different and before you know it, we'd be two strangers wondering why we stuck together for so long. Then she moves away and I felt suddenly cold. I watch Ron enter the room and I was surprised to be envious of what they had. Sure they may have broken up and both have moved on but he is after all Hermione's first love and such ties can never be broken. Or fade away. I was just the other guy who nearly got herself killed. Not exactly happy memories are associated with me.

"Hey Ron, why don't you help us pack here." More of a statement than an invitation, Hermione drags him in and then she sits cross-legged on the floor, leafing through Krum's old letters. What on earth possessed her to keep them, I'm not entirely sure. Though I haven't read any of them, I'm sure the spelling and grammar would be atrocious, judging from how he speaks or rather how he grunts through entire conversations. Nevertheless, I see Hermione pore over them with an expression on her face that's almost wistful, happy and something else unnamed and it was at that point I wished with all my heart that she read through my letters the same way. I shake my head and try to bring myself back to what was currently going on.

Up until the last time he spoke, Ron was strangely quiet. He sidled up to where I was and started wrapping some of Hermione's figurine collection in old newspapers.

I nod my head in greeting, "Nice to see you come around mate. Took you long enough."

Ron mutters a hasty "Well, yeah" under his breath and then blurts out, "Hermione Granger, marry me."

My breath catches in my throat and there was a strange clenching in my chest I was unfamiliar with. For awhile I thought that Ron was off his rockers. Apparently, so did Hermione. It was a good thing she was already sitting on the floor or else we'd probably be picking her up off of it. "WHAT?! Ronald Weasely! Please tell me that you've just asked me to carry you and not some other verb that rhymes with that."

Ron then starts wringing his arms about like a madman and for a minute there I was absolutely certain that he must have fallen from his broom on his head one too many times because this was just too pathetically idiotic even for a Weasely. Then he crosses the room to where Hermione was sitting and drops on his knees which is where Hermione jumps up as if an electric shock ran through her body. Ron was trying to catch Hermione's arm which she was waving about while her mouth was opening and closing like a fish out of water.

"Hermione, I would be honored if you..."

"No, no, no, no. This can't be happening." She cuts him off and starts walking towards me. "Ron, are you out of your mind?! There are so many reasons why this is so ...so...awful!!! For starters, there's Luna. Remember her? You love her. You can't live without her. For goodness' sake, you proposed to marry her not nearly 2 weeks ago."

"She'll understand, 'Mione." But for the fact that Ron's eyes are still clear did I believe that he was doing this out of his own free will and not under some strong albeit very stupid spell. Not exactly a very comforting thought because then I don't understand why he is doing it and I couldn't smack him on the head with a convenient reason that I was trying to knock some sense into him because in Ron's world this probably made a lot of sense.

Suddenly realizing that I was in the room as well. She rounded on me and said quite menacingly, "Harry James Potter, I hope for your sake that you've had had no hand in planning this little shenanigan."

Unable to say a word, I stood there and shrugged like a badly-performing mime. She turns her attention back to Ron and started to pace nervously around the room.

"Ron, I'm quite flattered really but I think that is a vile and horrid idea. Marrying you would be like marrying my brother and that would be a disgusting practice. I believe people in my world have a word for it and that would be INCEST. Get it? Wait, Ron is this some scheme so you could get me to stay?" At this she narrows her eyes at Ron.

I've always known that Hermione was the brightest witch of our age and I knew that she could see through every hare-brained idea we've had. So as she said that, something clicked and I knew that the jig was up. Ron, in humiliation, then got up and sheepishly nodded yes.

She broke into a grin and then started to pummel him with her pillow. "Ron you nitwit! Next time leave such devious schemes to me or Harry."

Grudgingly, Ron explains, "It was worth a try. Seeing that Harry," glaring at me as he continues, "the bloke doesn't have any plans to stop you at all." Catching Hermione's arm and pulling her closer for a hug.

I shake my head at this utterly inane and loopy confession, I couldn't help but say, "And you call THAT a plan?!"

Hermione was greatly relieved at this and took it with quite a good sense of humor. I don't think she would've accepted it that well if it were not a joke. "Only you would think that that would work. What would you have done if I said yes."

"I'd thank my lucky stars and make Luna my on-the-sly shag partner." Wriggling his eyebrows at the same time, giving him such a devilish look.

Hermione pushes him away as he ruffles her hair. "Ew, you sick perverted boy! Stop that. You know how long it took for me to brush them into submission. Now for your transgressions, you must help me pack."

And so we spent the better part of the afternoon packing and having a jolly good time. Although, I couldn't shake that strange nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach. The entire afternoon, I kept a careful watch on Ron and Hermione. Not trusting them to not just up and elope for the heck of it. I'm their friend after all and I bet if he could get her knackered enough, she'd go along for the ride. Well not really but it helps me breathe easier.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

At the airport, I was struggling with Hermione's baggage and dragging Ron who saw it fit to stop and point like a maniac, "Oooo Harry look at that! A door which spews out candy to muggle children. You suppose they accept galleons?"

Once or twice, I was quite tempted to ask a bobby to pick up a red-headed gangly raving lunatic in front of a candy machine in terminal 3. Save for Hermione dropping an unexpected kiss on my cheek. At my questioning glance she tells me, "That's for being patient with our little boy." Then looking pointedly at Ron who was trying to walk backwards on a walkathon going forward. Stranger still that I suddenly felt warm inside when she looked at me with such pride as she said the words, "our little boy" like Ron was our son. A very clumsy sort of progeny I know but in a sick twisted manner is mine and Hermione's. My introspection being rudely cut short by a yelp from the walkathon and "our boy" being given all sorts of angry stares by people he nearly tripped when he fell down.

At the gate, Ron gave Hermione a really long hug. "I suppose it would be too late to ask you if you'd reconsider. You could marry Harry instead if you fancy the idea. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

Luckily, Hermione found this humorous "Ron, what's it with you and matrimony."

"Well, you wanted to go off and save the world. But you don't have to save the entire world for everyone. You just need to be someone's world and you would have saved a sad old chap from a life of emptiness. That's very heroic as well, don't you think so."

Hermione gives Ron a chaste kiss on the lips and I look away unable to stand the heavy weight on my chest at the sight. As they pull apart, she reaches out for the back of Ron's neck and they stay there forehead to forehead as she speaks brokenly in whispers, "Ron my brother. You're my best friend. I'm glad to know that you found that with Luna but I think it's about time we journeyed in life apart from each other."

I hear a sniff from Ron and he looks away. "I'm just going to go and grab a bagel at the coffee shop we just passed. I'll be back before your hoarding."

"Boarding not hoarding." I correct him and roll my eyes at Ron for thinking of food at a time like this.

Surprising as it seems, I turn and see Hermione biting her nails while clutching her tummy following Ron's path. I turn her towards me and peer concernedly at her face, "You okay sweetie?"

"You think he's going to be okay? Ron I mean. I'm a litte bit worried about him Harry."

I see her shiver and I try to warm her arms, "Just give him something to chew on and he'll be fine. As for you, you seem ill? Are you feeling alright for this trip? I'm worried about you sweetie."

Hermione reaches up to put a hand on my shoulder in an attempt to steady herself while on tiptoes. She scans the crowd for any sign of Ron. "You think it is wise to just let him roam about unsupervised? Maybe you should go and look for him while I wait for you here. He might get lost or into trouble or...hang on a minute, did you just call me 'Sweetie'?! Twice."

"I did?" Drat! And I thought she didn't hear that. She was tapping her shoes quite manically so I better own the truth, "Oh yes. I have haven't I? Nasty little buggers these other commuters are, don't you think so? Let's not worry about Ron shall we? He's a fully-grown adult and if this is not a good time to release him into the wilderness of muggle life, he'd end up us nutty like his dad."

By this time, Hermione has stepped away from me and had her arms crossed in front of her. Squinting menacingly, she utters the one word I dread, "Why?"

"Well that's what muggles and wizards do. They grow up and prove themselves capable to survive in life. You know Darwinism or some such idea." As she was looking as forbidding as McGonagall and the last time I was at the receiving end of such a stare from Hermione was when Ron and I got knackered, singing the Hogwarts school song at the top of our voices, I better find an answer suitable enough for her question. Fast. God knows why that word slipped out of my mouth. "Well, I just wanted to get your attention, that's all."

Still looking displeased but a bit more accepting, Hermione gives me a stare as if to say everyone has gone absolutely loopy on her. Instead she says, "Well, don't make a habit out of it. People might get the wrong idea. You used to call Ginny that."

"By people you mean Rita Skeeter and her rabid readers of total rubbish? I'm not too fussed actually. Let them think what they want to think."

"I meant Ginevra, Harry. Honestly, haven't you boys gotten any sense at all?!"

Realization dawned on me at the implication of such an innocuous word slipping into my statements unbidden. But I'm utterly flummoxed by why I'm not upset for Ginny to think the same thing. Would it be so terrible? It should be. I am supposed to be in love with her aren't I? Or maybe, I'm not. Maybe I just think I am because it's what people expect. While all this dialogue goes on in my head, Hermione smirks at the shock on my face thinking that I've managed to be clued in. But her interpretation of the shock on my face was totally off. "I see that all the lights have finally been switched on in there. Harry please don't mess it up with Ginny again okay? You were great together and I haven't seen you happier since our 6th year."

I jam my hands into my jean pockets, "Things were different then 'Mione." Inwardly I wonder why she's pushing me to pursue Ginny. My mouth being faster than my brain has somewhat managed to blurt out, "Why do you want us to get together so much? Stop! Don't answer that if you don't want to." All the while silently praying, "Please give me an answer. Please."

Just when I thought she wasn't going to reply, she starts on what seems like the middle of a proper response, "Because I know what it's like to wait and know how painful to know its futility. And if there's a chance that I could try to make the outcome different for the people I care about the most, then I'm sure as hell would try to do something about it."

The airport speaker crackles to life calling Hermione's flight for boarding. I held her hand and wanted so much to know what she meant. "Who is it? Is it Ron?"

She laughs and the air carries that sound as it becomes a permanent fixture of my memory, "Harry, have you finally gone daft? I have to go. I'll write you when I'm settled in."

Then she was gone. Swept away by a flurry of luggage and drab-looking foundation people. Then there was that odd painful clenching in my heart again. I was nearly doubled over. I put my right hand to my chest and with my left grasped a nearby pole for support when Ron shows up, "You alright Harry?"

I straighten up and pretended that I pulled a shoulder muscle, "Yeah. Yeah. Spectacular. Must've pulled a muscle lugging Hermione's stuff through Heathrow. Where've you gone off to?"

"Not far. I just hate 'goodbyes' that's all." Then he puts a brotherly arm around me and says, "Looks like our girl has really left us and it's just you and me buddy."

"Yup just you and me." I echoed emptily.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

For the next couple of weeks, I have worn a path from the house to the mailbox. Each time, the trip coming up disappointing. No post came from Hermione. Not even a hint of Afica darkened the mailbox. Where was she? I was halfway out of England on my way to Kenya on my broom but realized that I'd freeze to death on the trip and decided to just go back. Besides, I have no idea where she could be, I might have as much success in finding her than getting Ron to stop eating and helping me with the chores.

Trying to make it seem like my life has gone back to normal after three weeks of waiting, I resolved to take Hermione's advice - to pick up where I left off before knowing about horcruxes. So I asked Ginny for dinner just to talk about where we are and where we want to go. I guess, after 11 years of "putting my life on hold", I was oblivious to where it should be going. After Voldemort and after every other obstacle has been overcome, the only other obstacle I needed to surpass was the fact that Ginny and I were not really destined to last. It wasn't even because we've stopped trying. I guess everyone expected that we would end up together. But there was one thing I noticed about Ginny which I have tried to ignore in the past. She was a bit self-centered. It's probably because she is the youngest in the family and the only girl to boot. That and the fact that every time we got together, I always kept on talking about Hermione. The last straw came when we were snogging our brains off in my apartment when I sort of slipped out and said "Hermione" instead. Of course, she was smart if nothing else and so she decided to break it off with me right then and there. As for me I don't know why that slipped out. It's not as if I'm fantasizing about kissing Hermione. Or am I? I don't even want to go there and analyze that. So going back to Ginny, knowing her, it didn't take too long for her to move on. She was dating Dean by the time Ron and Luna got married. It wasn't to say that I didn't regret the fact that it didn't pan out but when she was out there dancing with him instead of me, I sort of wished that it was me instead. And it was during these times when I wished Hermione was around because when she was around things weren't so unsettled.

I keep on thinking about Hermione more often than usual. I was thinking that now that Ron has finally settled down, it's not the same being part of the Golden Trio and not have either of them by my side. Lately, I've been having dreams about the time we said good bye to Hermione at the airport. I haven't had any of those paralyzing chest pains which I think is just because of separation anxiety. After all, they are the only family I ever knew. Without Ron or Hermione, I was left all alone. Again. Not for lack of trying. Ron and Luna have been tireless in setting up dates for me since Ginny and I broke up for good. But none of them were anyone I could seriously consider being with. Well there was Cho but then she told me that she fancied Ginny and so given that I don't think we'd work out. Anyway, there was one day when I invited myself to Ron and Luna's place when Ron thought it best to have a serious conversation with me about my love life or rather lack thereof. No doubt in response to Mrs. Weasely's incessant worries about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Like I'm not 22 years old and instead was an errant lanky boy of 14

"So mate, where's Luna?"

After they have gotten married, Ron and I had typically set Saturdays watching rugby. After having introduced Ron to muggle sport, he has also taken to drinking lager during matches which Luna does not particularly support. I cannot wonder why. May be because I end up staying with them until Sunday. If not for the fact that I was Harry Potter, Luna would have thrown me out on my ass sooner.

"Well, she's gone to the doctor today and then have lunch with her father. She'll be home by tea time most probably"

I stand to get the remote control and some more chips. The place was a bit of a mess and I sort of understand why Luna chooses to go out when Ron and I decide to hang out. The place sort of looked like Grimmauld Place when Kreacher was still keeping house which a girl would presumably find "unliveable" Luna not being like those normal girls, you can tell that the house looked like a wrecking ball went through it while all the stuff was inside. I try to pick up some of the pieces, feeling guilty, but decide to use magic instead.

"Oh? Doctors you say. Why is Luna going to St. Mungo's?"

Ron stares blankly at the television while answering, "Not to St. Mungo's. She said that she's going to some muggle hospital. I don't know why."

"Hope it's nothing serious. Why do you think she'd want to go see a muggle doctor?"

"She's been feeling a bit under the weather lately. Healers have been backed up lately and they say muggle doctors would know what to do and sent her off there." Commercials have come up and so Ron tears his gaze away from the screen and looks at me, "Say, Harry, have you ever thought of settling down?"

I stop midway from putting some of the trash in the compactor. It's the least I could do for Ron and Luna's hospitality. My eyes nearly pop out of their socket at Ron's question which just blindsided me. You know how in muggle cartoons when the Wily Coyote is standing unwittingly as a boulder is rolling behind him. Well, I guess I was going to be Wily Coyote.

"Well, sure I have but not at this time."

"What about Hermione?"

I open a bottle of butterbeer and head back towards the couch. "Yeah, what about her?"

"Well, remember when you once told me that you can't imagine being without her in your life. I kinda feel that about Luna."

"So what? Are you trying to imply that I fancy her in the way that you love Luna?"

"Well yeah."

I chuckled. I mean I'm amazed at Ron's leaps of logic sometimes which in the course of the time I knew him, was only right 1 in 10 times. Obviously this was one of those 9 times where in he is clearly barking up the wrong tree. "Ron, just because you've gone and become part of a smug married couple, doesn't mean its incumbent upon you to pair off the rest of your single friends." I shake my head and try to focus on the telly once again which right now was showing a commercial with some girl who reminded me of Hermione because of her bushy hair holding hands with a lunkhead that reminded me of Viktor Krum. I savagely switch channels. I hate seeing those commercials anyhow.

"It's just that I'm worried about you Harry. You spend a lot of time at work. If you're not at work, you're at Grimmauld's sulking because Hermione hasn't sent you a letter or you're here. How are you going to meet some nice girl? I thought that it was you and Ginny for sure but then that didn't work out. Then you went out with Cho and you drove her to become a lesbian apparently."

"Okay fine Ron. If you want me to get out so you could spend more time with Luna, just say so." I stand up in a huff and start putting my coat on.

"No. No Harry it's not that. You know Luna and I love having you around. It's just that we're a bit worried that you might end up alone. Or worse miserable."

Understanding where this is coming from, I sit down and shake my head. "Ron, I'm not alone. I have you and Hermione. Now that you've gone and married Luna, I also have her."

"Well yeah, but don't you ever wonder what it's like to come home and know that there is that one person in the world who is waiting for you. That one person who you think of when you try to make sense why you're still in this world plodding along. It's not to say that I didn't feel that with Hermione and you but it's a bit different with Luna. Back when we were still fighting Voldemort, I didn't know the difference because I knew why it is I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm doing this to have freedom. For my buddy and at that time for a chance to have a life with Hermione. But I never stopped feeling alone. Then Voldemort was killed and a load of other people I loved died. The loneliness was more acute then and I couldn't ignore it. Life's so short and for a while there I was lost. Then I met Luna and everything changed. As cliché as it sounds, I feel alive for the first time."

I look at Ron amazed. Somehow after having been accused by Hermione as having an emotional IQ with the intensity and a range of a teaspoon, it was bewildering for me to see how much he has grown. I thought he was done and I was about to reply when Ron interrupts me with words that gripped my heart like a vise.

"What happens if Hermione finds someone else?"

"WHAT?!? What do you mean? Has she written to you about someone?"

"No. I'm just saying that –"

It was at that moment that Luna bursts in and says, "Honey, you're going to be a Daddy."

Of course I left after that. I congratulated the parents to be and apparated out of their house to give them some privacy. I bet, Ron was just itching to tell his mother. But on the way back to Grimmauld and seeing the place empty, the words rang in my ears. What if Hermione indeed found someone else. I don't think that would be acceptable at all given by the fact that the pain in my chest has mysteriously started again. Tomorrow, I'm going to St. Mungo's and have that checked but for now I'm owling Hermione to ask her how she is and try to find out discreetly whether she's found someone.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

_Dear Hermione,_

_So how are you? Hedwig has been getting restless lately and is missing you so I decided to let her out for a while and drop by with a note. I see that you're pretty busy since you haven't written in quite some time. Although, I have found out that you weren't too busy to send a quick note to Luna and Ron. I'm a bit miffed about that but I'm willing to overlook the slight. Anyway, I have a bit of good news and bad news. I was going to ask you which one you'd have first but you won't be able to answer anyhow so here goes. Bad news first, I broke up with Ginny. It was inevitable. I guess like what you did with Ron, I was just grasping at straws hoping that I'd feel less alone. She's dating Dean now. I haven't been actually out to meet anyone. Too tired lately and couldn't care less. Don't have the heart for it because… well I'm not sure really why. Wish you were here though. I really really miss you. Good news is that Ron and Luna are going to be parents. Found out about it first-hand this afternoon. Ron has decided to have a serious tete-a-tete about my dating status. Who knew that I'd be taking relationship advise from Ron?! It's bizarre. Anyway, don't tell them that I told you about Luna being pregnant. It's actually their news so they might want to tell you first so just pretend that you haven't heard it._

_Anyway, please write back soon or I'm going to fly out to Kenya and bring you forcibly back to England. I'm a bit worried. Ron has this strange idea that you may just have met someone there. Don't you think that that's just hilarious? Well not that it's strange because you're beautiful. But I just can't imagine you being with anyone else._

_Harry_

I read the letter three times before rolling it up and tying it to Hedwig's legs. I contemplated telling her about the chest pains that I've gotten since she moved away but I didn't want to worry her. Besides, it could just be heart burn. The healers at St. Mungo's will just give me some antidote and I'll be fine and dandy.

Hedwig wasn't getting any younger and so I only send her to long haul flights when I have to write Hermione. The last time I wrote Hermione and used another owl, the letter ended up being printed in the Witches' Quarterly. Ginny and I had quite a row about that after. I was bitterly disappointed that Hermione didn't reply immediately. May be I should have put in my chest pains there. She would probably write back sooner but then I wanted her to write back because she wanted to instead of having some misguided sisterly concern push her to send me something. A note on tissue paper or whatever. Anything to sort of remind me that I'm still a part of her life.

I stayed out of Ron and Luna's way for 3 weeks since they were busy and Luna was often feeling ill. Besides, every time I went around, it threw in sharp contrast the life I've had. Damn Ron for putting those thoughts into my head! 3 weeks and counting and still no word from Hermione. At first I was worried. Something must have happened to her. Then I was angry because I found out that she has written Ron and Luna. Again. I mean why isn't she writing to me? So I try to recall anything I've done to make her angry at me. I was halfway between anger and self-pity when I heard a soft tapping at my window and find an exhausted Hedwig outside.

I carry her in and give her some food before I settle on the couch in front of the fire. Hermione has written back. Finally!

_Dear Harry,_

_I got a picture of you, Ron and Luna at their wedding. I must say you were looking a bit dapper. Well, I'm sorry for not having written sooner. I wanted to write you too but have been busy. We keep on moving from one place to another because there has been some terrible rioting between the older orphans and the orphanage adminstrators that we were giving services to so the foundation decided that it wasn't safe for us at all to stay there. Much as they needed it and so we had to leave and find some other place. It broke my heart to leave all the orphans behind. I had to take care of the pediatrics ward and the children have taken to calling me "Momma Hermy" and this other muggle doctor, "Daddy John". I think I cried bitterly for an entire week and wanted to go back home but there are other children who need me here. I look at the orphans and it was clear that they wanted to be part of some stable family unit and that they were hungry for love. Reminded me of someone I know actually. For awhile they had a taste of that having me as their surrogate mother and John as their father. So it was really difficult leaving them behind but I couldn't take any of them. I remember that the night we had to evacuate the center, John had to come and drag me by the arm because the rebels were coming and they were going to burn all the visitors because they thought that we were siding with the other tribe. Until now I couldn't sleep without hearing the children scream for me. It was horrible and I wanted to save them. Yet again, I couldn't. It would have been so easy to save them with magic and whisk them away to somewhere safe like Grimmauld Place. I know we could take care of them and that you wouldn't mind watching over them for a while but how am I going to explain all that to the foundation people, I wonder?_

_Anyway, I'm a bit tired. I have to wake up at 4:30 a.m. just to get water from the village well. Sometimes, John does that or Clark. They're sweet that way and they're Americans. I wonder why in the television they always stereotype Americans to be these loud boors which not all of them are. Haven't had time to go out on dates. I normally spend the entire day with the other doctors – although the volunteer nurses are running a pool about me and John. They think I don't know but I do and I think they're off their rockers. He's sweet and a bit melancholy just like you but I'm not ready yet. It's not to say that I'll say no if he asks me out on a date, it's just that if it didn't work out between us, it would just be really awkward._

_So that's it for now. This is a longer letter than the one I wrote Ron and Luna so I hope you're not pissed at me anymore. Give them all my love and I'm sorry about you and Ginny._

_Hermione_

JOHN! Who the hell is John? Sure she writes to me but she mentions this John character 5 times. Not that I'm counting but I just don't like this at all. So I wake up Hedwig from her sleep which she didn't really like as far as I could tell because she has bitten my finger and looked at me reproachfully. I bring her to this large world map hanging in the library and made her point out where she found Hermione in Kenya because I'm going to go there next thing tomorrow after I go to St. Mungo's.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: Those in _italics_ are Harry's thoughts.

CHAPTER EIGHT

"So Mr. Potter, have been having some chest pains lately, have ye?"

I was less than relieved to find that Grawp would be the attending Healer. I still couldn't forget him trying to lunge for Hermione at the Forbidden Forest but I guess he learned to adapt pretty well – that and make use of his opposable thumbs at the same time. Although, I do know that he has changed a lot since then and has become one of the more popular healers, it's just strange to see him and not remember those times when Hagrid would come out of the Forest battered and bruised. That and he sounds a lot like Hagrid with my eyes closed.

I reply to his inquiry, "Well yeah. I can't seem to know why though?"

"I'll have to run some preliminary tests and then we'll see what we can do feh yeh. But my unofficial prognosis is that you're just suffering from a little heartache. "

I looked at Grawp incredulously and wondered whether he's changed enough so that he doesn't rip my head off from my body when I laugh at him. Because honestly, that's not even a healer term. Mistaking my silence for confirmation of this fact, he orders me to drink some lovelorn potion made from roots of a mashed up rose bush on some guy's gravestone which I'm not doing because nothing could be more wrong. But I don't want to argue with Grawp and so I let him think what he wants to think. No use making him angry as he might just give me a good reason to be at St. Mungo's. I wait until he scribbles all of the requirements on a piece of paper which took longer than usual because he kept on breaking all the quills but eventually he did finish and so I took off quickly, thinking about my impending trip.

Upon reaching Grimmauld place, I hurriedly scribbled a note to Ron informing him that we won't be having our normal Sunday sports marathon and that he need not send the aurors to find me because I'm just going for a short trip. I contemplated telling him that I'm going to Kenya but thought it best not to. He's going to gloat and for all the wrong reasons. I'm not going there because I'm jealous of this John character who he doesn't even know yet but because I just want to find out if Hermione's okay. So there. Nothing to it at all. I'M NOT JEALOUS. I'm just looking after her welfare because after all Hermione's like the sister I never had and we don't want any old chap just insinuating himself into her life. I mean she's probably lonely there. She's going to be vulnerable and would be looking for something to seem familiar. Then wham! She goes on a date with him, marries him, moves away and have kids. Heck! I'm not going to let this guy take advantage of Hermione like that. He's not taking her away from me. I mean us. We're her family. Obviously, I didn't think this through but I have all the best intentions in going down there. Let's just hope she would share the same opinion and not hurl bat-bogey hexes at me when I show up at her door unannounced.

So debating on whether it would be better to travel by plane or on a broomstick, I decided to travel muggle style, which would give me more time to think about what I'm going to tell Hermione as to why I'm there. Maybe I'm better off facing Grawp and getting pummeled by him because then I wouldn't have to go to Kenya. Ron can just write Hermione that I've been badly beaten and she'll be back safely in London with me. Now there's a plan but bodily harm is my last resort considering that I still have wounds from fighting Voldemort that hasn't healed yet even after all those years. In the meantime, I have 14 hours until I reach Kenya and look into Hermione's eyes and tell her that … tell her…that she absolutely cannot marry this dubious character because he may be a doctor but I could tell that he's…well, he's boring. I mean the name alone is a dead giveaway. Name one interesting person named John. None. Hermione craves excitement. Like that time when we were in Hogwarts. Besides, obviously Hermione is still distraught about her parents – the poor kid. I mean, I know what that's like and I could better support her during these times. This John and Hermione doesn't have a long history together. I mean, how can she possibly know that he won't just leave at the merest hint of trouble. He took off when the orphans needed him, didn't he? I would do no such thing. I would keep Hermione safe and try my damndest to keep those she cares about safe. Well granted that I wasn't there for her parents but shoot she couldn't possibly hold that against me. Well, actually she can and she probably should.

The thing is I'm not sure Hermione will appreciate the reasoning behind my arguments and lest I make a mess of things, I think I better write this down and keep the internal dialogue to a minimum so as not to scare the person beside me. Didn't know I was saying that out loud.

**Africa and John**

1. It's an exotic place. I chortle at this and pretend that I choked on the water I was sipping. The passenger next to me is giving me the evil eye as I do this. _Please, there are unexplored parts of England which can be considered exotic like…the River Thames. Who knows what lurks underneath its placid black surface._

2. John is a doctor. _So what if he is? It's just passive heroism but Hermione deserves someone who isn't afraid to lay his life for the people they love._ _I'm going to cross that out. I wonder, if profession factors into a girl's propensity to fall in love with someone? Can it? _I turn to the nice old lady across the aisle and ask her. She looks at me in a strange way but she says no. So I can definitely cross that out

3. She's making a difference where it counts. _Then again,_ _it's not like England is a wellspring of contentment. She can make a difference there_.I see the nice old lady across the aisle peer at what I'm furiously scribbling down and tells me that I do hope I figure it out quickly. Figure what out quickly? It's Hermione who has to figure it out for herself and from the looks of it, it's a no-brainer.

4. He seems nice. _Oh that's bull crap! From Hermione's __**one**__ letter, he does seem like a pretty decent guy but then again I haven't had the benefit of longer correspondences to verify that. He could be a wife-beater back in the States for all we know.._

5. They have shared experiences. _Hah! What 6 months? Hermione and I have had shared experiences for 18 years. Granted those experiences are fodder for her nightmares which I know she has, but still that counts for something, right?_

6. He probably loves her and she…she may love…_you know what?. That's not certain. She just probably likes him._

Now for my list….I'm rooting for England but I can be objective. I just want to guide her in what's right for her. So here goes…

**England and Harry**. Wait let me add onto that list…

**England and Harry / Ron**

1. England is her home. _Home. Shouldn't that count for something?_

2. Friends and family. _Sure she doesn't have a family there anymore. Well thanks to me and Voldemort's obsession with killing me off but Ron's there. So is Luna and the Weasleys. I'm there._

3. She's going to be an aunt soon. _Luna would need all the help she can get. God knows, the kid would be in for a lifetime of therapy without normal intervention and Hermione normal._

4. Memories. _It's where she had taken root. Not to be churlish about Kenya but where did she have her first kiss. Her first dance. Her first love. Incidentally, all of those memories were tied with Viktor Krum who is from the Planet of Grunt but England holds those memories for her and there are still a few more memories that we can make together. Err, I meant me, Hermione and Ron and Luna._

5. Ron. _Enough said._

_I know it's cheating to write down our names separately but hey it's not like someone will be suing me for doing so but here goes… _Hermione's last reason for choosing England is _--- well, me. _**Harry.** I write that twice and so it comes off bold and dark against the stark white lined crumpled paper. _One reason she has to come back to England with me is because she's my best friend and I ….I. LOVE. HER. Oh my God! I love Hermione._

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are approaching Kenya International Airport, please remain in your seats until the "fasten your seatbelts" sign has been turned off. We thank you for flying Afrikair and we hope to see you in our next flight."

Oh shoot! The old lady across the aisle reaches over and pats my hand. "I hope you get your young lady, young man." All of a sudden, I can't breathe.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

So there I was looking like an idiot and wishing that I at least shoud've told Hermione that I was coming. I was actually at a local watering-hole just across her flat. I've gone twice up the door to knock but couldn't bring myself to it. So I go back and get some liquid courage to back me up. Which, in hindsight, was pretty idiotic since I know Hermione will know that I'm plastered and she won't look too kindly at this. So I ask for some coffee which they don't have. Instead they give me medicinal tea that has some minty aftertaste. Quite a good thing. Providential even. Not that I'm thinking I can get to kiss her tonight but then maybe I'm not so unlucky after all as I listen to the Smith's "Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want" in the background. How fcking apt.

After a considerable amount of time ingesting the local tea which tastes more and more suspiciously like toothpaste mixed with scalding soda water, I was contemplating on going back home and berating myself for this stupidly inane stunt. I'm going back home. Yes, the great Harry Potter is scared of one Hermione Jane Granger. Not really scared of her but scared of the consequences of my being here. It could end up okay but my luck with women has not improved with age apparently. So what am I still doing here after 2 hours, 3 minutes and 15 seconds? Well I just wanted to get a look at her before I go. Fck it. What a mess this is going to be and it's just as hell that I won't be sticking around for the fall out. I actually am thanking the lucky stars now that I haven't told anybody where I was going. That way I could make my retreat dignified and secret. No one has to know.

"Harry?"

Oh crap! There she was looking at me in surprise with two guys flanking her who look like they could eat me and Ron and spit out our bones like we were gunk stuck between their teeth. Then another guy enters and her face brightens up and she starts to wave like a maniac to some stranger behind me, "JOHN! JOHN! Over here" I dare not turn around because I was extremely without a doubt abso-bloody-lutely jealous. I mean, a guy she has not seen for 6 months and flies out for 14 hours is right in front of her but instead she acts all excited for some schmuck she just saw probably 2-3 hours ago.

John then joins her and she holds his arm tightly in a way that sends lacerating pain through my heart and says, "I'd like you to meet my chum from England, Harry who is still trying to get his tongue unstuck from the roof of his mouth after that grueling 14-hour flight."

At this point I imagine just hexing the asinine Dr. John who is grudgingly good-looking in a careless sort of way but instead I reach out and take the hand he offered in a handshake,,"Pleased to meet you John. I'm Harry. Hermione's _chum_ ", and it actually hurts when I say that because all of a sudden, I'm just a "chum". Chum. Neville is a chum, Dean is a chum. Viktor is a chum(p) and I tack that "p" ever so lightly but when did I get to be the too-deep-to-be-an-acquaintance-but-too-overly-stated-to-be-a-friend pal from the past? And just to spite Hermione, I also add clearly, "we also used to live together before she went to Kenya."

John raises his eyebrows amusedly, "Oh! Pleased to meet you to Harry. I'll just let you two catch up with each other. Excuse me."

As soon as John, moves away, Hermione swats my arm and hisses under her breath, "Why did you say that?"

"What?" I try to fake innocence but Hermione was undeterred.

"That we live together."

I drag this out slowly like I was talking to a 5-year old child. "Because we did. We lived in one house with Ron."

"Well, yeah." Hermione gets flustered and I know she's livid because her face gets blotchy like she's about to cry. "But did you have to say it like that?!"

"Like what?"

"Like 'back off'"

And before I knew what I was saying I blurt out, "I AM saying _back off_." Not exactly what I planned to say. This time she looks at me like I was the one who killed her parents and then she just stood up and stalked off home. Leaving me looking at her back and praying to whoever is out there, please don't let it be too screwed up so that I can't fix it anymore.

Definitely not what I planned to say. I must admit I was indulging some daydreams before this entire fiasco – in that alternate timeline, I'd tell her how I feel and she'd say, "what took you so long?" Fat chance that was going to happen now or in any lifetime. I have my hands on my waist and I look down. Trying to catch my breath as I was too winded from the effort not to half-shout what I wanted to say but can't. Not in a bar with all her friends looking on. IT won't be fair to her. So I struggle to put my mask back on and try assume the role I've always played. Her best friend. Because as much as I want us to be together, I'd rather have her in my life as a friend than nothing at all. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. This love thing isn't easy. If I thought that what I had with Ginny was painful, this one hurt like hell but the one person I always turned to in these times is the one person I can't go to now.

I didn't notice John approaching me from behind. He just claps me on the back and tells me, "2B. I see that you have a lot to talk about."


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

I hear muffled footsteps on the other side. She must be pacing like she always does when she's upset. I can apparate inside her flat but then I'm not THAT stupid. I have knocked and called through the door until 2D decided to peer out and told me in perfect German something like go away or go hang myself. Neither could be taken as an indication that I was endearing myself to her neighbors.

"Hermione, please. Let me in. Oh sod it! I'm sorry. I flew for 14 hours to get here. Let me at least stay the night and I'll haul my sorry ass back to Surrey."

The door's lock clicks and I was allowed to enter. I follow her wordlessly inside and she goes in front of her computer, ignoring me.

"Look Hermione. I was just, I was trying to look out for you. I mean when you and Viktor…"

Tired, She cuts me off and looks at me for the first time with really sad eyes, "I'm not a child Harry. I actually like this guy. I might even be in love with him. So please don't scare him away."

Hearing those words, it's like someone sucker punched me. Except this was worse. Like someone clawed my heart and ripped my insides. But I'm not new to pain. So in that respect at least I know I'm doing quite well. Right now, I'm her best friend and one of her best friends was just a jerk to her. So I try to tuck my love away and hope to God that she does not find out why I wanted to tell Dr. John to back off.

"I can't promise that I won't be hard on him. You deserve someone who will love you like I…He has to prove that he deserves to have you. To have your heart."

She sits down dejectedly in the sofa and I sit down beside her. Too scared to come close because it was indeed a surprising turn of events and being this close to her, I can't trust myself not to do anything pathetically dim-witted like digging my own grave for instance by saying, "I love you."

"That's just it. Where you and Ron are concerned, I'm little more than a child not to be trusted with decisions such as this. You put me up on a pedestal in an ivory tower. I wasn't looking to fall in love Harry. It happened and if loving him is the only thing that's going to come out of this you may say that he doesn't deserve it but remember he didn't steal my heart. I gave it."

It was a good thing too that I was hidden in the semi-darkness. All of a sudden my eyes get a prickly feeling but I blink away, "Does he know? How you feel?"

She shakes her head, "I don't think he'll ever feel the same way." I know she's started crying because her shoulders are shaking and so I gather her up in my arms and stroke her hair.

"There. Shhh….how could he not? He'll come around in time. Tell you what? I'll stay a few days more if you'll have me and then we can work out a plan of some sort to help things along."

"Like what kind of plan?"

"You know some guys are stupid enough not to know how good they've got it until it's taken away from them. Why don't we make him jealous?" Sometimes, I could be the brains of our little group when the situation calls for it but knowing what I know, she'd never say yes. Hermione who has a good head on her shoulders will not approve of this deception. My Hermione will not stoop down into that level just for some run-of-the-mill muggle. No sirreee…

"Okay. Let's do it. Oh Harry! I'm so glad you're here." So much for that. I guess she has finally lost her head. And I mean in a figurative way and not in a carnal sense. I really really hope not the latter. Why oh why did I not leave while I still can?!?


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN.

It's week three of my stay in Kwale, Kenya and coincidentally the 3rd week of "The Plan" which was working so far. I will no longer insult anyone's intelligence by recapping what were all the details but suffice it to say that Dr. John just needed some competition to get him started. I've had great memories here. Pretending to be with Hermione is probably the closest I'll ever get to being with her. Some days I can just pretend that Dr. John does not exist. Most days he's hovering like a UFO over Roswell, New Mexico. But outside of the high school melodrama, I can imagine going back to Kwale. The place actually grows on you. I can see why aside from the obvious attraction, Hermione would be able to last this long where indoor plumbing consists of a hole inside of a mud hut with no roof. The orphans are precious and they've taken to calling me Father and Hermione is their Mother. I'm actually gloating on the inside because they call John just Dr. John. Small wins but as crazy as it may sound I live off of those crumbs of a future that Hermione and I could never have. I wish that we could have a family together. I think we'd make a good team – the orphans mind what Hermione says while I always try to make it fun for them. I remember being an orphan too and since there was no one around to teach me that life can sometimes not suck, I've decided that these kids should know from someone who used to be just like them that it's okay to hope, to be happy and to dream.

I like watching Hermione with the children. A few times she's caught me looking at her and I look away quickly but apparently not quickly enough. Sometimes, I think she's puzzled why and would like to ask but the opportunity has never presented itself. If she did ask, I'm not sure what I'd say. Probably the truth because she has always had a way of ferreting it out.

This particular afternoon, she was reading to the children and Mwanaidi, a rather curious and chubby 3-year old, climbed onto her lap to look at the pictures. It was a sight to behold and I get a painful spasm again in my chest which gets worse every time and more frequent. There were little white spots dancing around as I bring my hand to my chest and I will myself not to pass out. I wish I'd listen to Grawp and didn't shrug this off like it was some big joke. Well who's laughing now? Definitely not me. As the spasm settles into dull heaviness, I go over to sit beside Hermione. I take Mwanaidi from her and make him sit on my lap with a copy of Shel Silverstein's "The Missing Piece". Hermione has finished reading the book and turns to me.

"Harry, you look positively ghastly? Are you alright?" She reaches over to feel my forehead and looks quizzically into my eyes.

"I'm fine." I shake off her hand, "Just a little bit under the weather."

"Well, I hope you have not been drinking from the faucet because the water here is not potable. My first week I was so sick, I couldn't keep anything down because I drank from the tap. But John stayed up all night making broth so that I won't get dehydrated and it was awfully sweet of him. So be really careful. I mean what if you got sick here?"

I grumble under my breath. He makes broth and all of a sudden he's the pope. I wanted to shake Hermione because heck, I've been sweet. Who was it that came back for her when the troll got into Hogwarts? Who was it that defended her to Cho? Who was the one who shielded her from being accidentally gobbled up by a crazed Lupin during the full moon? Surely, it wasn't John. Meanwhile, she's forgotten all those times. I try to be cheeky but it comes off sounding bitter, "Then I'll make the amazing Dr. John make me some broth."

"Harry, you are a silly goose. I thought we were over this. You said that you'll give John a shot. Let's say I get married, what happens then? I would want two of my favorite people to at least stay in one room and not kill each other."

I'm quiet and Hermione takes my silence for remorse. We sit in companionable silence while I hold Mwanaidi who is looking at the picture books. I'm too tired to fight and pick an argument and so Hermione puts her head on my shoulder. It was a perfect moment and I wish I learned a few spells to freeze time and keep us like this forever. Bored, she tries to distract Mwanaidi by playing peek-a-boo over my arm. Mwanaidi chuckles and reaches out to pat Hermione's face lovingly and I got carried away by the moment. I hold the toddler's hand and kiss the top of Hermione's head. Just like that the moment was gone. She straightens up and turns her body to face me.

"Harry, have you been in love? I mean truly sincerely flat in your face been in love with someone."

I panic at this. How can I answer her without giving myself away. I was poised to say "no" but then my mouth acts on its own, often without the consent of my head and I say, "Yes."

"Who is she? Do I know her? Because I take it that it's not Ginny."

"Well it's not Ginny and yes you do know her. Quite well but I'd rather not say who."

"Why not?"

"Because I can never have her and there's just no use saying her name out loud."

"Oh dear – "

"No. Don't feel sorry for me. It just makes it worse."

Then we were quiet again. I could say it out right now. In fact, I probably would have except for the fact that it would be suicide doing so and the main thing was that with everything she's lost, the most that I deserve is the privilege of trying to make her happy and wiping away the nightmares I've caused which she experienced by knowing me without looking to get her in the end. This time Mwanaidi was bored and clambered off my lap. He toddles off towards the other kids.

My as eyes darken as I try to think of her future with someone and that someone is not me when she breaks me out of my dark reverie, "Harry, will you do anything for me?"

I let out a breath as I say it, "In a heartbeat." Doesn't she get it? I would do anything for her.

"Whatever happens, even if you drift away or that you move to another place, promise me that you'll come back and give me away during my wedding day."

Anything but that. I'd have to say no but if she asks like she's asking me now I just know that I wouldn't be able deny her anything. Hermione, you don't know what you are asking of me. She continues and her eyes glisten with tears, "I've always dreamt of that day. My Dad would be walking me down the altar but I guess that will never happen anymore."

An invisible hand has squeezed my heart and has no intention of letting go and the white spots are dancing before my eyes again. Everything was sounding so far away and in an effort towards self-preservation, I stammered out my response, "Look Hermione, I… wish… I… I just can't…" and she looks dejected and downcast, Please dear Lord, let the pain stop for just one instant and I let out a ragged breath which she has not even noticed. "Hermione, what I meant was that I just can't imagine not being the one to give you away to the guy you've chosen. Whether it's John, Viktor or some guy in the future you've never even met yet. It would be an honor to do anything that would mean your happiness."

Grateful, she leans and kisses me lightly. On the lips. I close my eyes so that she doesn't see the words that were left unsaid and it was at this moment that Dr. John chooses to make an entrance, "Err.. Hermione…I was hoping. I'd like to talk to you, if it's possible."

Her eyes are bright with hope and I drop my gaze because I can't exactly meet hers since this could be it. It's been a long time coming. Then she says the two words that could possibly put the nail in my coffin, "Of course" and stands to follow the man of her dreams. No longer able to feign indifference, I drop to my knees and pray to whoever's out there that however this whole drama ends for me, it ends quickly because I seriously cannot breathe.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

The next thing I know, I was at Surrey and there was Ron and Hermione peering with concern at me. For a moment there I thought I just had a nightmare like the time the Dementors came on board the Hogwart's Express. Then Dr. John appeared and told me, "Hey, are you alright? Hermione and I were so worried about you."

Great! Just the person I wanted to see. I struggle to sit up and it feels worse than being put under the Cruciatus curse but there's something to be said for having my rival hover over me. Like I've already lost. It's crazy and irrational I know but I hate it that he seems like he's lording it over me. So I push myself up from the couch and quite ungraciously barked out, "I'm fine! Can't everyone just back off a bit because it's getting really annoying"

At that point I sway on my feet and caught a quick glance of Hermione who was seething. If not for the fact that I was clearly not well, she would have probably marched me off for my atrocious behavior and gotten a sharp telling that would have left me sleepless for nights to come. I should know because it has happened before. Surprisingly it was Ron, the socially-inept, who made the wise decision of calling Hermione's attention and inviting the two of them for some tea with Luna while he stayed with me. Hermione, the angry energy waves emanating from her, whipped around and sweetly called John to join her. Exhausted, I sat down and held my head in my hands.

"So mate, you willing to tell me what's been going on?"

My answer is muffled but it sounds awfully clear in the now empty room, "I'm just tired that's all Ron."

Undeterred by my evasiveness, Ron patiently continues, "So going to Kenya. This undercurrent of animosity that I've noticed you have towards John. This does not have anything to do with Hermione, does it?"

My head shoots up and I know that Ron can read the irritation in my eyes, "Well what do you want from me, Ron? A confession of my undying token of affection for Hermione?"

"Why is that? Because you found out too late that she's not going to wait forever?"

"Don't be daft. This is about Hermione but not because of any of the reasons you've ascribed to. She's and John is … it's so wrong. I mean does he even know who she is? What she wants?"

"Do you? Do you even know yourself?"

At this, I cannot believe the gall of my supposed best friend for implying that I don't even know any better. I stand up and begin to storm out of the room With my hand on the door, I spat out "Don't try my patience Ronald."

Not bothering to turn around and surprisingly calm, he just tells me, "By the way, Grawp gave me the lovesickness potion. You're supposed to take it every day after mealtime. You may lie to everyone all you want Harry. You can even lie to yourself but don't make it like I'm this stupid person who doesn't know any better. So go and wallow in your own self-pity because if you've given up this soon then you don't deserve her at all."

Stunned and knowing that I've lost the debate, I slam the door behind me and go up to my room. Meanwhile, I overhear Luna fawn over John, "Oh John! I'm so glad we finally got to meet you. I'm also glad that you know about us and took it ever so well. You've made Hermione so happy." Not knowing what else to do, I slam the door to my room like a child and grab my broom from the closet. Then I stalk off to the front door while I hear Hermione running after me but I resolutely would not look back, "HARRY, HARRY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

Just sick and tired of how the weeks are winding down, I get on my broom and turn to face her briefly, "I'm going for a ride. You want to come? No? Okay then. I guess that's it" and I push off and fly as fast as I could out of there. It was really stupid because I had no idea where to go and I wasn't exactly feeling well. Add to the fact that it started to pour out and it was at this point that I hated English weather. I could just swallow my pride and go back or go to Grimmauld Place but I'm not ready to be found yet. Let her worry about me. So anyway, it is either a testament of my innate stubborness or just sheer stupidity but after trying to escape from Privet Drive for years, I end up going there and staying at the park close by. I was going to go up and knock at the Dursley's but then I'm just extremely sad and angry – but not suicidal or masochistic. It was hours later when I couldn't stand being in my water-logged clothes that I decided to head back home. Home. I don't think it'll ever be that again. Not in a long time. Not without her in it.

The lights were out when I landed. I took my time going there but as it was still raining, you could still tell that I was out in less than stellar weather. I tiptoed inside, careful not to make a sound but as I turned the corner to go up my room, I see Hermione waiting for me in the kitchen with a warm pot of tea.

"So care to tell me where you've been? What have you been doing for 4 hours in this downpour?"

What do I tell her? That I was purging all of my memories of her without much success. Instead, I say, "Just went out for a walk."

"To where?! Scotland? You going to tell me what's up?"

I try not to look at her because I was determined to stay mad and rationalize my awful behaviour. Because if I did, I know I'd end up apologizing and telling her that I'll support whatever she has with John. Turns out that I don't even need to see her. All it takes is to hear her sigh despondently. "'Mione, I'm sorry."

She shakes her head and hands me a warm cup of tea, "Harry you don't get it. I'm not trying to wheedle an apology out of you. We used to talk. You and I. What happened?"

I shiver and try to keep myself warm. Though I'm certain that it was more because of the hurt in her voice when she said that than being out in the rain. What do I tell her? I used to go to her to make sense of things. My relationship with Ginny. The death of Sirius and then Professor Dumbledore. Usually after talking to her, I got the feeling that things will work out just fine. I'm not too sure how things will work out when what I want to talk to her about is how much I love her and that she doesn't feel the same way about me. My silence unnerves her and brings tears to her eyes. I was going to say something but in the interest of self-preservation or some Darwinian instinct for survival I let her interpret my silence as she will. I lift the cup she proferred to my lips and study my hands with intense curiosity.

"Harry, remember that when you are ready to talk I'm here. Please don't shut me out. Just don't wait too long or until it's too late to come to me." With those cryptic words she then turns away and goes to her room.

She doesn't get it though. It's already too late -- I've already fallen for her and she's already fallen for someone else and the Cruciatus Curse holds no candle to the kind of pain that she can inflict on me. If Voldemort knew about this the war would have been over before it ever began.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

John spent 2 weeks with us which is the two weeks where the Ministry of Magic saw me clock in the most number of overtime. I haven't come to terms that Hermione and I will never be but I've managed to scrounge up some semblance of sanity in my own strange way -- well just as long as I don't see any of them either apart or together. In those two weeks I hardly saw John, which meant pretty much that I rarely saw Hermione. I was out in Diagon Alley for lunch one time and saw them enter Madam Puddifoot's coffee shop and that was it. It's quite a feat considering that Hermione lives with me and John, as her guest, is staying in the spare guest room at Grimmauld's. Or so I'd like to think. I don't really know for sure because I come home no earlier than 1 a.m. in the morning, bone tired. The only way I can ensure that I don't see them or that I don't have dreams of her. Then I'm up at the crack of dawn and leave our Surrey house to go straight to the Ministry of Magic. I've always liked having breakfast but I don't want to run the risk of passing out again in her presence which I don't doubt will happen because the pain has intensified to a point that I have to bite my lip until it bleeds so that I don't scream out loud every time my mind reminds me that John has taken my place in Hermione's life and more. It would seem too suspicious if that little incident happened again and she'd start investigating. We all know that she won't stop until she gets to the bottom of things and I'm not really prepared to meet her there yet. Secrets and lies that cannot unravel because surely she deserves so much more than to have me.

One night, I was on my way in after a hellish day tracking Dolohov and finally catching up with him in Bulgaria, when I hear voices in Hermione's room as I pass it. I mumble under my breath, Move. I love her but you can't have her. Move. I love her. Like an alternating mantra in time with the beating of my heart. But my feet was staging a mutiny against my brain. I was rooted to the spot and I lean my forehead onto the cool door. Please, let her not be with John. Please. I guess Heaven smiled at me when I overhear her say, "Ginevra Molly Weasley, you naughty girl!"

I let out a shaky breathe that I didn't know I was holding and whisper a silent thank you to whoever was out there that heard my prayer. I remember she wrote a note to me asking if she could ask Ginny to stay the night. I remember scribbling a hurried yes on her note a couple of nights ago and I guess she meant tonight. I don't know why she needed to ask and I don't know whether there was anything that she could possibly ask to which I'd say no. She could ask me to bleed for her and I would scribble yes in my own blood. I push myself off the door and was about to shuffle off when I hear her voice again, "What about Harry?"

For starters, I had no intention of eavesdropping but I was rooted to the spot. Ron knowing what he knows and knowing that he tells Ginny everything, I am a bit concerned about why they would be talking about me. I'm not ready to tell her. I'm not ready to lose her just yet because as soon as she finds out, then the jig is up. I can't lose her if she doesn't know about me. About my stupid heart. About Grawp's diagnosis. About everything.

Ginny's voice barely carries through the wall and my forehead furrows as I strain to catch what she's saying. "What about him Hermione?"

"I think he's not over you." I can imagine Hermione as she says this.

"Believe me, he is. But let me ask you this Hermione, what about Harry?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you get it? John and you. You and Harry. I can't believe you've never guessed."

"Guessed what Ginny? I must admit I don't know what you mean."

"You don't?! But surely you must have guessed. Hermione, you must know. Surely you do. How could you not know it when everyone does. How everyone sees that Harry is..."

At this point, I want to throttle Ginny except for the fact that Hermione would not take too kindly that I've been listening to their conversation outside her room. To what depravity have I been reduced to resort to eavesdropping on my ex-girlfriend and my best friend talking about me. I'm not even sure what Ginny was going to say but I think I do and somehow I have to stop her saying it. I look around in search of something. A diversion anything but the halls were bare and then for the 2nd time that night I get saved. I receive a message from Kingsley Shacklebolt about some lead of another Death Eater spotted in Bulgaria. Jumping on that chance, I whip my wand out and say clearly and crisply, "Accio firebolt!"

My broom being stored in the broom closet in the first floor, it crashed loudly through the cupboard door and careened into my open hand. The door to Hermione's room opens with a jerk and I was met with an accusing stare from Ginny.

"Harry, how long have you been standing there?" Ginny's eyes telling me that she knows of sins that I wouldn't dare admit, her arms folded across her chest.

"Not long."

Hermione steps outside of her room and eyes me and the firebolt in my hand. "Are you coming or going?"

"Going as it turns out."

"Wait, did you just arrive?"

"I did but I need to go back to Bulgaria. Got some leads on McNair being spotted outside a local pub. You two have fun." I start going down but Hermione touches my arm.

"Harry, you look tired. Can't it wait? When's the last time you slept?" I notice the worry creep into her voice and I know she's giving me a concerned look even before I turn around to face her -- that look where her eyebrows are scrunched together and she's biting her lower lip.

I hate doing this to her because I know that she'll be up all night until I come back. "I'm fine. Don't wait up for me." Then I apparate out of there like my life depended on it.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Turns out that the lead was true. We cornered McNair but he escaped. In the ensuing fracas, he took two drunken muggles who got caught in the cross fire. Kingsley Shacklebolt was in St. Mungo's for a while and I had to stay there as well. McNair made good use of his time and improved the Sectusempura. I had cuts that needed to have dressings changed every two hours before they figured out how to stop the bleeding. Good thing too because I knew that Hermione would've known about what happened because it was all over the Daily Prophet. I didn't want to worry her anymore than was necessary. I'm imagining that Ron must have quite a handful right now keeping Hermione out of mischief because that's the way she is. She has always been very protective of me and Ron that I shudder to think that she might do something stupid.

After a week, I was discharged from St. Mungo's. Kingsley, not being as lucky as I was, succumbed to his injuries at 5 a.m. on the day that Ron picked me up. It was stupid and senseless. How many people have to die like this? We were quiet on the way back to Surrey. Each contemplating on when will Voldemort's shadow stop casting itself upon our lives when he decides to break the silence. "Harry, you ought to be more careful mate." And that was the summary of our conversation.

The Ministry of Magic was adamant that I take a couple of weeks off. I bolt myself at Grimmauld's after finding out that the last time I saw Hermione, she was about to go off to France with John and has been there ever since. She didn't even stay to see if I were alright. Here I was expecting her to go on a rampage because of what happened and as it turns out, she was out on holiday. I didn't know which hurt more. That I obviously don't know her anymore or that I meant so little. Obviously, my life was no piddling matter to Hermione Jane Granger. I must have cheated death so many times she's taking it for granted that I would do it again. I was angry and all I wanted to do was to die just so I could rub her face in it and say "Hah! Guess you were wrong this time." Then again, it would be difficult to do that considering I'd be dead and it just sounds silly to come back as a ghost just to bear some pithy message like "you are so wrong."

Then I couldn't be angry with her for so long because it was only a mere couple of hours when I started missing her. I go around her room and take out a book that she was reading when her parents died. I'm pretty sure it was some sort of chick lit but just then I was aching for anything that was part of her and if that meant reading "Hogwarts: A History", I would probably jump at the chance to do that. But this book was so not like Hermione that I wondered what she found in it. It was called "Sophie's Bakery for the Broken Hearted". It was about a woman named Sophie who was trying to cope with the death of her husband from cancer. Very much a muggle story. Don't really know whether a wizard / witch ever died from cancer before. Wouldn't it be ironic if in the end I died of that. Oh wait, then again I already don't need another one. Already have one and it's not as if there is any cure.

I end up reading the book non-stop, wondering whether I could finally move on from my grief like the heroine in the book. Luna and the Weaselys have taken over Grimmauld's place because I've agreed to having a welcome party for Ron and Luna's first-born. The preparation is at fever pitch and I feel lost flitting through the house. I feel like a stranger looking in on someone else's life and the only thing I wanted to do was to get lost in some other story other than mine so I obsess about finishing the stupid book. Thus, my retreat into one of the newer coffeeshops in Diagon Alley, which actually had offered good coffee and an interior not as cloyingly sweet as Madam Puddifoot's. In short it had cerebral sensitivities and I think that Hermione would love it here. I resolve to bring her to this place when she comes back. I'm absolutely certain that the quiet nook in the corner where the sunlight creates dappled patterns on the hardwood table in the afternoon would be our favorite spot. Ours. I turn that word in my head and reprimand myself for doing it. I remember I don't have the right to use that word. Not anymore. Not ever. I settle into the corner and start reading when a red-head plants herself unceremoniously on the chair facing mine.

"Hmmm...pretty heavy tome there Harry. Is it any good?"

I look up and blink twice to readjust my eyes, "Hey Ginny."

"Is it helping you?"

I stare blankly at her, unable to understand what she means.

She gestures at my book and says, "Ever been broken-hearted Harry?"

I stay quiet and start resenting her prodding of wounds that have not healed yet. She smiles sadly at me and continues, "Have you told her yet? Have you told Hermione?"

I'm not sure what she was referring to -- whether it was my heart condition or my feelings. Either way, I don't lie when I answer, "No." My voice low.

"Why not? What are you scared of? If you don't say anything, you will lose her."

I shake my head at this, "I tell her and I will lose her. Much better this way. If she doesn't know, I don't lose her."

Seemingly disgusted by my response, she stands up. Disappointment evidenced in her every being. She was halfway across the floor towards the exit when Ginny stops a beat and turn back around, "Where did the courageous Gryffindor we all love go?"

I shift at the weight of her disappointment before I reply, "He's gone. He died when Voldemort did."

"We don't know you, anymore Harry. May be we never really did. But if you see the Harry we thought we knew back then, can you tell him to snap out of it and stop being a prat. Because if you don't get out of this funk you are in then may be you don't really deserve her after all."

That's the second time I heard that. I've always known it. But it sounds all the more true hearing someone say it. I see white dots dance in front of my eyes as a familiar twisting pain sears into my chest. Like a hot knife has been plunged into it and someone was callous enough to push it in even further before twisting it. I leave 10 galleons on the table before I head onto Godric's Hollow. I was weeping inconsolably in front of the gravestone of my parents. I scream out loud and rail at the injustice of everything. Everything was just too much and since I haven't had found anyone I could tell all of this to as a reprieve, I end up scooping dusts of dirt and holding onto their tombstone for strength.

I had no idea how long I was going to stay out here but I felt like I could better mull things over at Godric's Hollow then being at Grimmauld's or talking to Ron. May be I should talk to Ron but I think I already know what he's going to say. Just goes to show up to what level of desperation I have sunk into if I seriously considered asking Ron for advise. Well, considering where I am and where he is at this point in his life, I guess it's a good place to start as any. When did I become the uncertain, emotionally daft sidekick? I mean if it were just fighting back against evil megalomaniacs, who wanted to kill me, that would have been fine. I think I'd rather go figure that out and have that looming over my head than all this sorry and sordid mess. It's just twisted and all that rubbish about being brave and setting your sweethearts free to see if they will come back, is just absolutely bollocks. I fell asleep on the ground. For how long, I didn't really know but when I woke up, I had to admit that Ron and Ginny were right. I'm not making myself worthy of her by being a coward and so I head on home. Determined to spill my guts when she comes back and end this once and for all. I wait until I feel strong enough so that I don't fall off my broom before I head back. The pain does not subside but at least it's the kind of pain I have gotten used to living with. I'm breathless as I land in the foyer of Grimmauld's Place – quite happy for the respite that Hermione is in France. Unfortunately, fate is a comic with a penchant for black humor because as soon as I straighten up from being winded from my flight, I end up looking straight into Hermione's eyes where she was standing in the threshold. Apparently, the end will happen sooner than I realize.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

I test out my voice. It was gravelly and hoarse with all the words and the feelings left unsaid, "You're back."

She crosses over to me and says, "Yes I am."

My courage falters at the sight of her. Like some avenging warrior before she slays her prisoner. "Where's John?" But I knew at once that something was wrong. My chest is constricted and the white dots dance in front of my eyes, obscuring Hermione from my view. I try to blink it away but it gets lighter every time.

"Kenya. He had to go back." She has approached me and reaches out to touch the spot over my heart when I notice a ring on her finger that was not there before. I cover her hand in mine and hold it there for awhile before I double over, struggling for breath. I try to get the words out of my mouth but my throat has closed up and every breath is a struggle to make. I see Hermione, kneeling beside me frantic and obviously shouting for help because I couldn't hear anything except for the roaring wind in my ears. I wonder if she hears that too but I think I'm the only one who hears it. I close my eyes and focus on trying to get air into my lungs. I have to do this now. This may very well be it and I may just be screwing it up again.

Each word is a struggle but I had to say it. I may never get a chance to do so again, "I thought I was going to get to do this and not fall apart until it ends. I had every intention of getting through this in one piece and you wouldn't have to see this."

"Harry, what are you trying to say? What's happening?" I close my eyes because the room was too bright and my breath hitches in my throat. I feel Hermione panic and she runs to the entrance to shout, "PLEASE SOMEBODY…ANYBODY HELP ME."

People by this time were hurrying in and I was getting suffocated. Go away. They were trying to get me off the floor and into the couch but I shake my head and try to shoo them away, "Hermione," I whisper like a plea. I have to do this. I have to tell her now. I didn't realize that I said that out loud and she's instantly kneeling beside me.

"Tell me what Harry?"

I try to summon all the strength I have left but it's too damn hard to keep my eyes open or to stay with all of them. I can't see her anymore but I do hear voices. For an instant I was scared. I wasn't scared before when I faced Voldemort but I was scared now that I may never get to tell her anything. I feel her tears drop onto my face and somehow, I found the strength I needed to finish this, "Hermione, I have to tell you. I'm not foolish enough to think that this would change anything between us. I wish you and John would be happy. Be careful. Take care of each other because Death Eaters are still out there and John is new to this world. I'm not too sure I could go on protecting you or Ron much longer. The thing is I love you." I hear her wracking sobs and I know that I'm bungling this up again, "Please don't be sad. Loving you is enough for me." I wanted to say more and comfort her but I'm too tired and I fall headlong into a peaceful light. I couldn't do anything more.

I didn't know that death was a strange thing. It was really a strange place to be. I watch her, watch me day in and day out and I had no idea how long I have been here. But I get a sense that I've been here for quite some time and yet every day I see Hermione come in. Broken and sobbing and all I want to do is gather her in my arms and tell her that it was just time. This was one of the few instances that I wish John was around. At least he could be present and try to comfort her. Where the hell was he anyway?! I was going to go to Hogwarts and ask Sir Nick to help me so that I could at least find out how to get Hermione to see me. Sort of let her know that I'm okay but oddly enough I couldn't get past the four walls of my ward.

Today, Hermione comes to visit me and from the start I know that today is different. She was quiet and was staring at my sleeping form for quite some time when all of a sudden, she started upending the things on my hospital table. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU HARRY JAMES POTTER."

I'm taken aback by her anger bristling all over. I'm sure that if I touched her I would ignite and burn straight through. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO FCKING SELFISH?! HOW COULD YOU SAY WHAT YOU SAID AND JUST LEAVE. WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO SAY ANYTHING. YOU ARE A COWARD! AND I DESPISE YOU! I LOATHE YOU." The energy sapped out of her, she sinks into the chair beside me and sobbing, she hides her face onto my bed. One of the healers peek in – obviously rattled by the noise coming from my room.

Now all I want to say is I'm sorry and I couldn't even do that. I couldn't even make things right for her and I'm frustrated. How could I have been such an idiot?! I was so angry that I swipe at the pitcher next to my hospital bed, knowing full well that my hand will just go through it. Then it falls to the ground and shatters into a million pieces. Hermione's head shot up from her arms and she breathes wide-eyed, "Harry?"

I'm here. I want to say. What did I just do? How could I do it again? Please Hermione, I'm here. I'm sorry. I never should have said what I said. But I feel heavy all of a sudden. Like some unknown force was dragging me onto the bed. I wanted to knock things out but this force was just too much. I feel like I'm getting sucked into something and I try to claw at headboard or anything but the force was too great and my feet were being dragged onto the bed. My last vision was of Hermione's head sinking back onto her arms.

I must officially be dead by now because I feel like crap. My throat is dry and my eyelids are heavy. My bones also feel like lead and my heartbeat is racing uncontrollably. I get to open my eyes and I'm lying on the hospital bed. It was dark out and I see a bushy head near my arm. I reach out and say tentatively, "Hermione?" My voice loud and intrusive in the silence of the room.

Hermione then slowly raises her head and blinks to readjust her focus in the darkness of my hospital room. I thought that she didn't hear me after all and I was still stuck in some weird place where I can see and hear her but she can't hear me when I suddenly feel herself launch at me and say, "Oh God! Harry."

"Easy there Hermione. What are you trying to do, kill me?" I smirk at her. Glad to be alive and teasing her like I always did.

Then suddenly remembering that she was angry at me, said all of a sudden, "You pathetic idiot! Did you enjoy giving me grief?! Was that some game to you?" If not for the fact that I was lying in bed, I bet that Hermione would have been pushing me away and raising angry fists against my chest and I would be holding her close trying to calm her down.

"I'm sorry." I start. "I meant every word I said. Don't worry because I won't breathe a word of it again. I want you to have the life and the love you deserve and I know that it isn't with me. So…"

She cuts me off, "John and I…we broke up."

I curse under my breath. How much more can I screw up her life? "Don't worry. I'll talk to him. I'll tell him everything. I promise I'll make this right and if I have to move away, I will. I…"

"Shut up. Just shut up Harry."

I close my mouth in resignation and face away from her. I feel tears roll down my face and I half wish that she would just leave me for awhile. I can't go through this now. I'm not ready yet. If we weren't over then, I'm pretty sure that whatever it is we had, it ends tonight.

"Harry, how could you keep this from me. I broke up with John because there was someone else."

How could one sentence raise up my hope and dash it at the same time. I plead with her, "Please. No more." Voldemort sure could have used some more pointers when it comes to torture,

"No! You have to hear me out."

I suck in a breath and turn to face her again. This time fixing a spot over her head. Just focus on that. "Okay. I'm listening. What do you want me to do?"

"Say what you said again."

I focus my eyes on her this time. Trying to let her know without words that she was being unnecessarily cruel but if this is what I deserved for having gotten her into this void, then I'm ready to make amends, "I love you." I say simply in defeat.

"I love you too." She says it softly and at first I wasn't sure that she said it out loud. May be I wanted to hear it so much that I have snapped and made it all up.

"What?! Please don't do this. Please don't say it if you don't mean it."

"But I do Harry. I mean it. I love you." And just like that it's as if all the pain that has defined my life seem to have lifted and she was there. She was mine because I'm enough.


End file.
